Tuesday

     Moving on, each day trying to rationalize what is important and what I think is important. Suffering setbacks, taking a few steps forward, falling a few more back, seems to be the way of my world. Still filling out applications, looking for that elusive job, wondering if I am doing something terribly wrong that keeps me from becoming employed. What could it be?
     I find patterns of behavior becoming habit. I wake too early, get my coffee and sign on to the internet looking for newly listed jobs. Check email, hoping to hear from one of those positions that required an online application and check facebook, only to find it is far too early for anyone to be online. Then the treadmill for the only real exercise I get. That done, I find it is still too early for my comfort. Too much can happen with so many hours left before I sleep again.
     We still talk almost every day. I ask all the usual questions and hold my breath hoping for that small morsel of tenderness I crave, that one word of endearment thrown into the conversation without encouragement from me. I wait, will he say he loves me or do I say it first and hope for a reply in kind?
     The weekends are difficult, I think of him so often well, actually all day and night. Usually with those questions we women use to torment ourselves. "What is he doing, who is he with, does he think of me, does he miss me, is he with a woman?" I am afraid to call him on weekends. If he says he can't talk I tell myself he is with a woman. If he doesn't answer, well then, I tell myself I know he is with a woman.
     He rarely asks about me. Occasionally he will ask how the job hunt is going, but he has never asked about me. I miss him so. What is there that is so special, that is so very powerful? What would cause a man to break his promise and vows? What would pull him away from those little people who delight in spending time with him? What kind of man would do that? How can one talk of morals and honor when he leaves those who love him? Hugs and kisses and words of, "I will see you soon, love you" then turn his back and walk away, where is the honor in those kinds of actions?
     We talked around 4:00 p.m. today. He asked me where I was, I told him it was Tuesday and I always meet the girls after school at their house. He asked when I would be home. I told him about 6:00 p.m. Then he said, "Well, I need to talk to you about something when you get home." My heart sank immediately. My chest got tight and I could barely breath. I asked him what it was and told him my heart was pounding really hard. He laughed. He said, "do you think it's something bad?" I said, "well?" His reply was, "what could be worse than it already is?" I told him he needed to talk to his granddaughter and handed the phone away. How cruel that was. His laughter told me he knew I would react that way. He knew I would be consumed with worry. I could barely breath and had to choke back tears so my little people would not guess something was wrong. Now I am here, alone, except for my fear. I see the minutes tick away and watch the phone as it lies silently in front of me. Tempting me, daring me to call. I wait. Paralyzed with fear of the unknown I am unable to concentrate on any of the things I planned to do this evening. I wish for sleep.

Wednesday

     I wonder how long it will take for me to wake in the morning and not have my first thought be of him. How long before I feel whole again? It has been about six weeks since I saw him last, although we talk almost every day. That, in itself is confusing. It seems as if nothing has changed, yet everything has, or has it? He calls, we talk, we tease, we say, "I love you". Could this be a nightmare that just lingers after the sun has come up and the moon is gone? Could this whole thing, this mess, be the result of some misguided lunar spirit having fun at the expense of human feelings?
     Emotions are becoming easier to control, the bursts of tears and bouts of sadness that only a few weeks ago were paralyzing have either mellowed or I have become numb to them. I rarely cry. I do however feel as if there is a heavy weight on my chest, always there, reminding me of the one that is missing. And I don't laugh. I have found nothing engaging enough to bring the laughter back. I can smile enough to keep others from thinking something is wrong. I can pretend to enjoy those things that used to bring pleasure. But, no laughter.  
     Learning to cope with everyday issues without him has been difficult. Little things that go wrong or need fixing are now issues for me alone. I could call him, I could ask how to do those things but something stops me. There is sadness in that as well. I came to depend on him for all those things that men do. Another reminder of what is lost. Everything in this house reminds me of him and those memories are bittersweet.
    

Sunday , January 31

     Ahhh Sunday!  After coffee and chatting, then making plans for the day,  this would have been a day we spent outside. It was warmer, in the upper 20's. We probably would have worked in his tool shed. Moving things, cleaning, making plans. Of course there would have been a trip to Lowes. Too nice a day to not go somewhere. We always parked in the same place on the side of the building, far away from other traffic. He always walked faster than me, longer strides, so I doubled my pace to keep up. I can close my eyes and see him now. Half a step in front of me, on my left. He would reach his hand back with outstretched fingers waiting for me to slide my hand into his. His fingers wrapping around my hand so I barely had to hold on. 
     We would take our time, peruse the aisles as if they were full of things we had never seen before. We would wander the cabinet department, talking about what we would like to have, the styles and features. Then find ourselves in the tools. Looking at the newest gadgets. It would have been a good day. As was any day spent with him. 
     We did talk today. Careful not to ask too many questions. Let him talk. Be cheerful. Hope he will ask about me. Hope to get tossed a bit of tenderness. Try to keep him on the phone for as long as possible. I am  confused, drifting. The time went to fast. I was not done getting to know him. Fifteen years, not enough. My heart hurts. My world hurts.

Saturday, January 30

     Soon it will be a month. Or has it been longer? Days move at a crawl and the nights, those dreadful nights, they never end. Restless sleep, broken by passage of time spent watching the minutes on the clock tick away. White noise droning, breaking the quiet. But not enough to stop the raging silence. What is it? That noise I miss so much?  Reverberation, the soft rhythm of his heartbeat faintly felt through the covers on the bed. The rhythm of breathing, slowing as he drifts off to sleep.
     Days are spent combing the internet for job openings. Monster, indeed, careerbuilder, snagajob, simplyhired, careerconnect, Ball State, Ball Hospital, Brevini, IBM, Sally Mae, Lifetouch. See a sign on a store front, go in to apply and get sent home to apply online! Fill out online applications and wonder if they are lost in that vast mass of cyberspace or do real people actually see them? Then there is the profiling, and testing. How fast do I type, what programs do I know, what experience do I have! Then interviewing, ha! I wonder about the persons on the other side of the desk. With greasy hair, smoke stained teeth and clothes quite frankly I am sure the local Hooker wouldn't wear. "We will be making a decision soon", "We will be in touch", "Oh we are taking applications and interviewing, but we have no openings right now"! I am sick of it. I know there is a job for me but where is it? I have been looking so long! I am exhausted!
     I am sick of out there, but home, no relief. What expenses can I cut, what can I sell? Random thoughts, fragments fleeting in and out of my mind. And tears, bursting from nowhere, without warning. Surprising, for now there is little feeling. Numbness, I suppose. The inability to feel. There is no emotion now. Walk through the days only to get through them. Close my eyes, feel his touch. Dammit!

Monday

     Friday, January 1, 2010 was the end. Yet, it was day one. My chest began to tighten as he spoke those words over the phone, pounding heartbeats sent blood rushing through my veins but my head felt light and my body shook. Each draw of breath, each inhale, felt like crushing weight and each exhale brought sharp jabs of pain like knives ripping at my heart. I was cold, but not from the winter chill. So weak I had to sit. My thoughts were racing, my mind screaming, this can't be true and the tears dancing at the edges of my eyes pushed forward and fell unnoticed. Choking words down, I tried to be brave, tried to be calm. Too broken, too hurt, give in. Let him go.

     Saturday, January 2 brought no peace. My night had been long and restless with moments that passed as slowly as the long, seemingly endless summer days I remembered as a child. Nothing I did eased the throbbing pain in my head and the black night of the dark room could not coax my mind to quiet enough for the blessing of sleep. And with morning came no relief. I looked at the phone, begging it to ring. Praying the terrible feeling I had experienced was just a nightmare. I lay in our bed, reaching out, stretching my fingers for the feel of his shirt. The one he always left for me with the pungent scent I loved. It was there, beside me as it was every morning. I pulled it to me. Burying my face in the soft fabric, my eyes closed, I inhaled deeply. It was him. That scent of him. A mixture of cologne and the wonderful deep scent of the man I love. I lay motionless for what felt like minutes but was more than an hour. Then the soft melody of the ring tone reserved for his calls brought me to reality. With a shaking hand I reached out, hoping for his words to be full of emotion and love, all the while knowing the despair I felt was not going to end with this call.

     The day wore on slowly, a holiday, people everywhere celebrating the coming of a new year. But not here. Not in this house. I wandered the empty rooms like a restless animal. Unable to concentrate on any one thing for more than a few minutes. First tears, uncontrollable tears, then an eerie calm. A roller coaster of emotions none of which could be rationalized. No thought. Just tears and calm then rage and anger. But mostly, hurt. That never ending pain. That heavy feeling. A feeling of loss.

Sunday, January 3, 2010

     Sleep. That would be a blessing. If I could only sleep then maybe I would wake from this nightmare. Yes, we talk. A couple of times a day. I try to be cheerful, to be positive. I listen to the chatter of the topics we had always talked about. The loads he picks up, the places he drops the loads and all the people he meets. Small talk. But a blessing as well. The sound of his voice. I close my eyes as I listen. I can see him there with me. We used to have coffee in the morning, he would chatter about the events of the week and I would share the news of our grandchildren. How I miss those moments of sharing.  Does the pain end? When?