Saturday, January 30

     Soon it will be a month. Or has it been longer? Days move at a crawl and the nights, those dreadful nights, they never end. Restless sleep, broken by passage of time spent watching the minutes on the clock tick away. White noise droning, breaking the quiet. But not enough to stop the raging silence. What is it? That noise I miss so much?  Reverberation, the soft rhythm of his heartbeat faintly felt through the covers on the bed. The rhythm of breathing, slowing as he drifts off to sleep.
     Days are spent combing the internet for job openings. Monster, indeed, careerbuilder, snagajob, simplyhired, careerconnect, Ball State, Ball Hospital, Brevini, IBM, Sally Mae, Lifetouch. See a sign on a store front, go in to apply and get sent home to apply online! Fill out online applications and wonder if they are lost in that vast mass of cyberspace or do real people actually see them? Then there is the profiling, and testing. How fast do I type, what programs do I know, what experience do I have! Then interviewing, ha! I wonder about the persons on the other side of the desk. With greasy hair, smoke stained teeth and clothes quite frankly I am sure the local Hooker wouldn't wear. "We will be making a decision soon", "We will be in touch", "Oh we are taking applications and interviewing, but we have no openings right now"! I am sick of it. I know there is a job for me but where is it? I have been looking so long! I am exhausted!
     I am sick of out there, but home, no relief. What expenses can I cut, what can I sell? Random thoughts, fragments fleeting in and out of my mind. And tears, bursting from nowhere, without warning. Surprising, for now there is little feeling. Numbness, I suppose. The inability to feel. There is no emotion now. Walk through the days only to get through them. Close my eyes, feel his touch. Dammit!