Wednesday

     I wonder how long it will take for me to wake in the morning and not have my first thought be of him. How long before I feel whole again? It has been about six weeks since I saw him last, although we talk almost every day. That, in itself is confusing. It seems as if nothing has changed, yet everything has, or has it? He calls, we talk, we tease, we say, "I love you". Could this be a nightmare that just lingers after the sun has come up and the moon is gone? Could this whole thing, this mess, be the result of some misguided lunar spirit having fun at the expense of human feelings?
     Emotions are becoming easier to control, the bursts of tears and bouts of sadness that only a few weeks ago were paralyzing have either mellowed or I have become numb to them. I rarely cry. I do however feel as if there is a heavy weight on my chest, always there, reminding me of the one that is missing. And I don't laugh. I have found nothing engaging enough to bring the laughter back. I can smile enough to keep others from thinking something is wrong. I can pretend to enjoy those things that used to bring pleasure. But, no laughter.  
     Learning to cope with everyday issues without him has been difficult. Little things that go wrong or need fixing are now issues for me alone. I could call him, I could ask how to do those things but something stops me. There is sadness in that as well. I came to depend on him for all those things that men do. Another reminder of what is lost. Everything in this house reminds me of him and those memories are bittersweet.