Tuesday

     Moving on, each day trying to rationalize what is important and what I think is important. Suffering setbacks, taking a few steps forward, falling a few more back, seems to be the way of my world. Still filling out applications, looking for that elusive job, wondering if I am doing something terribly wrong that keeps me from becoming employed. What could it be?
     I find patterns of behavior becoming habit. I wake too early, get my coffee and sign on to the internet looking for newly listed jobs. Check email, hoping to hear from one of those positions that required an online application and check facebook, only to find it is far too early for anyone to be online. Then the treadmill for the only real exercise I get. That done, I find it is still too early for my comfort. Too much can happen with so many hours left before I sleep again.
     We still talk almost every day. I ask all the usual questions and hold my breath hoping for that small morsel of tenderness I crave, that one word of endearment thrown into the conversation without encouragement from me. I wait, will he say he loves me or do I say it first and hope for a reply in kind?
     The weekends are difficult, I think of him so often well, actually all day and night. Usually with those questions we women use to torment ourselves. "What is he doing, who is he with, does he think of me, does he miss me, is he with a woman?" I am afraid to call him on weekends. If he says he can't talk I tell myself he is with a woman. If he doesn't answer, well then, I tell myself I know he is with a woman.
     He rarely asks about me. Occasionally he will ask how the job hunt is going, but he has never asked about me. I miss him so. What is there that is so special, that is so very powerful? What would cause a man to break his promise and vows? What would pull him away from those little people who delight in spending time with him? What kind of man would do that? How can one talk of morals and honor when he leaves those who love him? Hugs and kisses and words of, "I will see you soon, love you" then turn his back and walk away, where is the honor in those kinds of actions?
     We talked around 4:00 p.m. today. He asked me where I was, I told him it was Tuesday and I always meet the girls after school at their house. He asked when I would be home. I told him about 6:00 p.m. Then he said, "Well, I need to talk to you about something when you get home." My heart sank immediately. My chest got tight and I could barely breath. I asked him what it was and told him my heart was pounding really hard. He laughed. He said, "do you think it's something bad?" I said, "well?" His reply was, "what could be worse than it already is?" I told him he needed to talk to his granddaughter and handed the phone away. How cruel that was. His laughter told me he knew I would react that way. He knew I would be consumed with worry. I could barely breath and had to choke back tears so my little people would not guess something was wrong. Now I am here, alone, except for my fear. I see the minutes tick away and watch the phone as it lies silently in front of me. Tempting me, daring me to call. I wait. Paralyzed with fear of the unknown I am unable to concentrate on any of the things I planned to do this evening. I wish for sleep.